general ramblings about mental health at university

Having been a semi-successful university student for a year and a half now, I have some thoughts. Not only about what university has meant for me/done for me, but about growing up in general I guess. I'm halfway through my second year now and I should be revising instead of writing this but I said  I was gonna write something every week and damn it I am going to.

Number one - you're on your own kid.
I mean I know it's kinda obvious when you go to university, you're suddenly away from your home, your family, your friends and familiar surroundings. But it didn't really hit me until I shut the door to my tiny little room last year after saying bye to my parents. I turned round, looked at the bare walls and my belongings (that didn't look right out of my bedroom at home)...and burst into tears. Anyone who knows me knows I am such a home-bird and being away suddenly felt like I'd made a huge mistake. I wasn't ready to live independently!

As it turns out, I was ready to live independently and it's all just nerves taking over. I had lovely flatmates (well bar one but we won't talk about him) and everyone is in the same boat. Talk to people, ask for help and breathe deeply if it's getting too much.

Number two - mental health and self-care
I've always been an anxious person  - I worry too much, I stress about very trivial things and I'm very paranoid when it comes to friendships, I don't really know why. But it was during the first term at university, things started to get quite bad. I became afraid to leave my little room in my flat essentially due to the fear something would go wrong in public. I had been diagnosed with stress-related IBS ...so when I had a bad flare-up in a lecture (essentially it was a horrendous stomach cramp that left me feeling like I was gonna throw up everywhere) my brain started to associate my stomach issues to lectures. Therefore lectures became a scary place to be. Which then latched itself onto any public place ... the shops, seminars, where I volunteered. It was scary and unfamiliar to me. I shut myself away a lot of the time which didn't help. Eventually I went to the doctor who referred me to a counsellor. I was told I had agoraphobia - the fear of public spaces - as well as some general anxiety that reinforced it. It sounds dumb I know but it was nice to put a name to the thing that had been bothering me for a long time. After two months of working on this, I began to feel better. I could tell the voice in my head to shut up, that I was fine, nothing bad was going to happen. I began to enjoy my studies again.

Mental health is so bloody important, never ever neglect it. If you need to spend a day eating junk food and watching crappy tv, you do it. Forget your deadlines (not completely tho) and take care of yourself. Have a bath, read a book, even just going for a walk may help clear your hand and calm you down. I'd never really had to look after myself in such a way before but now I know it's super-important that you take breaks. If I'm getting overwhelmed, it's time to go to talk to my housemate or watch a YouTube video or listen to a song. LOOK AFTER YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU'RE A DELIGHT OKAY <3

Number three-  nightlife
Due to the whole 'I-don't-like-public-spaces' thing, I really hate nightclubs. Give me a cider and a pub quiz any day of the week instead of having to pay stupid entry fees to be squished up against drunk strangers. I don't really drink as it is, I know my limits and I very rarely go beyond them. University if you don't drink (or don't drink that much) is kinda weird as it's a thing everyone does.  I don't like going out, it's just not my thing. But that's okay, you'll find like-minded people. Even if you don't and a lot of your friends do like going out (which mine do) you'll find they won't really judge you for it. I may have been lucky in this sense however so don't take my word for it. It's all a case of you do you I think. I won't judge you for going out as long as you don't judge me for not. This works probs 99% of the time. Yes this does tie into mental health.... because you gotta do stuff you enjoy, you can't just force yourself into situations cause you think it's what others do. That's only gonna lead to you feeling worse. I can promise that.

There is probably more I could go into but I think I'll save some stuff for another blogpost...
see ya next week.
Laura x

2014 in review

Seeing as it is the last day of 2014, I thought I might just write a little reflection post on what this year was like for me/it just gives me a chance to post some pictures that I like ;)

All in all, it's been pretty damn good, however there have certainly been low points but I guess that is the same for everybody.

This was the year I've had to grow up considerably I think, what with university decisions, exams (which did not go to plan so I've again had to rethink that I'm doing with my life), health problems caused by stress, having to deal with being forced to quit by my place of work, friendships turning sour but new ones and some old ones being stronger than ever.

I turned 18 in November so I'm offically an adult now.....an adult who wore a Tigger onesie the majority of yesterday and hid in her sister's room for around half an hour in order to make her jump. So while I'm not fully grown up yet (and I'm not sure I ever want to be) I have had to deal with stuff this year that has matured me and hopefully made me a better person for it.

I guess I also want to write a note to my family and friends for this year. I may argue with my family at times but I think 2015 might be rather difficult for us given the health of a grandparent at the moment so I love you all and thank you for always, always having my back. My group of friends are all so wonderful and caring, and I am so grateful I have them in my life. I don't tell them enough because urgh soppiness but I have much love for them too. Thank you to everyone who has made my 2014 excellent or has been there through the awful bits.

To relieve some memories that happened this year, here are some pictures:

Visting Auschwitz, a very harrowing day

Meeting the wonderful and talented Carrie Hope Fletcher

MCBUSTED.

Me, the grandparents, the sister and the cousins on Grandma's 80th

Friends <3

The father dearest

A kitten I wanted to take home with in Devon

Rome

Halloween

Halloween

Birthday hug from the sis

Christmas jumpers with momma and sis

School xmas party

1920's party

1920's party

I am going to apologise for the formatting but I don't have time to make it pretty today I'm afraid :P

Very quickly, my New Year's Resolutions are:

• Eat healthier
• STOP BITING MY NAILS
• Try and be less lazy
• Write down every book read
• Try and read at least 35 books!
• Do more things with my friends
• Blog more
• PASS MY DRIVING TEST!!!
• and you know get the grades to go to Uni and that.

That's it from me for 2014. I shall see you next year! Lots of love Laura x

Book review: Kill Your Boss by Shane Kuhn

The latest book I have read (apart from school ones bleurgh) is this lovely little one - okay lovely is a word we will use loosely- by Shane Kuhn. I've always liked stories of assassins and such like as creepy as that makes me sound but I find them exciting and intriguing.

This story is written partly as an FBI investigation into John Lago, the anti-hero of the book and partly as John's own perspective - an experienced hitman and killer writing to the new recruits for the company he works for HR Inc.
In summary, the story is that this is John's last assignment - he is 25 now so too old to be an intern anymore (how HR Inc get their killers into where they want to be) so he wants to go out with a bang. However, when he finds himself falling for a undercover FBI agent named Alice who just so happens to investigating the man he has been sent to kill; things get interesting. (Of course, there are huge plot twists in this but I'm not going to tell you so go read it for yourself)

I really enjoyed this book; it was funny, it was just the right amount of blood, guts and gore and there was a rather sweet little love story at the centre of it and despite me hating fully romantic novels, I do like a good love story when it's surrounded by an interesting plot line. I liked the character of John's narrative; he was rather self-deprecating at times but I can forgive him that; he hadn't had the best start in life! I also thought Alice was particularly bad ass and would have liked a back story on her!

Criticism of this book is I found myself slightly confused towards the end; everything gets a little blurry and distorted as to who is where, who is dead etc etc.

All in all, I would highly recommend to anyone who is up for a quick, easy read and who enjoys murder mysteries from the murderer's perspective. 8/10 :)

Laura x

1984: A Review!

On the 19th, I went to see Headlong's production of 1984 in York - as I am studying the book by George Orwell for my English Lit A-Level, I figured seeing the play would add a new light to it.

(In terms of my opinion on the book, I really enjoyed reading it, it was interesting, intense and very thought-provoking even in terms of today's society!)

It is very difficult to go into a lot of detail with this version of the play as I think everyone who sees it would have come away with something different. What I found the most interesting about it was at the beginning and the end, it had people reading Winston's diary in the future and talking about the relevance of it, what they thought of it, how the Party had eventually fallen but no-one actually knew how - this opening scene was later reflected at the very end when it was said Winston Smith was never real, it is thought the diary could have been written by someone who did not wish the Party to know it was them. The most chilling part was when a character said "But what if the Party never fell? Surely, this could be their way of telling us that they are still here. Always watching" The play closed very shortly after that line.

The use of including future generations reading the book 1984 was incredibly clever as well as giving the audience the impression that the story never actually happened. How it was acted out was that Winston had perhaps never met Julia, he had always been a puppet of the Party. They'd let him imagine that all of his life had happened to him when in reality, they had always controlled him, giving a rather interesting point of view on it.

Repetition was also used during the play. For example, Winston would say something but not understand it, it would later come back round as to why he said that (basically the idea that he was in Room 101 the entire time). A scene in the canteen would play out, with characters doing the same thing every day at the same moment (As a side note, during this scene, I have never seen a man dry a teacup with such malice on his face), showing the monotonous life those in the book lead. It only changes when Syme is 'unpersoned' that Winston starts notice how similar every single day is.

The use of lighting and set was very good, even if I was blinded by the strobe light that was basically next to my head half the time! Lighting was used to create a mood, was switched on and off at the most dramatic times, increasing tension or diffusing it. The set was simple but incredibly effective. For example, Winston and Julia's room above Charrington's shop was hidden from the audience view behind the main set, it was played to the audience via a webcam - I at first thought it was a clip that they just played until the set revealed itself behind the main one when Julia and Winston were captured. This, I thought, was particularly clever as it showed even when they thought they were alone, someone was always watching.

All I really have left to say is a huge well done to the cast, particularly Matthew Spencer (Winston) and Tim Dutton (O'Brien) who both played their roles amazingly. The torture scenes were certainly not easy to watch so I imagine they were not easy to act out either, Spencer brought a very accurate portrayal of Winston (I may even say better than John Hurt in the movie version which is not easy for me to say as I adore John Hurt). Dutton as O'Brien was as terrifying as he should be, sinister and weirdly charming.
But to be honest, all of the cast were brilliant in their respective roles.

I only had one or two disappointments with this production which was there was no use of the famous first line with the clock striking thirteen, I felt that should have been a must! Another is that (even though loose ends were tied up) the beginning is rather confusing even to those who have read the book, it was difficult to understand why there were suddenly smartphones in 1984!! Obviously though, these are very minor things and it is more me just being picky.

All in all, I would give this a definite 9/10 and highly recommend you go see it while you can!!
Their website is here if you want more information 

Below is a trailer for the production in the West End!

*DISCLAIMER: pictures are not mine*
That's all!

Laura x

Mockingjay: Part One thoughts

The trailer for the penultimate Hunger Games movie is here!
 *WARNING: possible spoilers for those who have not read the books*

As a lover of both the books and the movies, I am very excited for this film to come out.  With some book-to-movie conversions, I feel very disappointed as a reader how unlike the book the films often are *cough Percy Jackson cough* but the Hunger Games movies are (generally) loyal to their book counterparts and for that I am thankful. From what I can tell from the trailer, they have District 13 exactly as I imagined it from the books, dark, mysterious but a hopeful place.

In terms of the cast, I am particularly excited for Natalie Dormer's part as Cressida in this movie - she is a fantastic actress, seen in Game of Thrones and Elementary, as well as just being an all-round beautiful person. I honestly think she could take over the world tomorrow and everyone would just be okay with it. Josh Hutcherson as 'Captiol' Peeta in this movie could also be very interesting to play out on screen. In the books, those scenes broke my little Katniss/Peeta shipper heart so to actually see them in front of me will probably just turn me into more of  an emotional wreck than I already am!

There isn't really much more I can say on this, just because it simply is a trailer for a movie that looks really bloody good. The first two instalments of The Hunger Games are fantastic, particularly Catching Fire, so I have no doubts that this will match up in all aspects. Once the full movie comes out, I will obvs be doing a review. These were just some initial thoughts I had and wanted to tell someone about!
Let me know what you think if you are a fan also!
Laura x

New school year, New start

I'm pretty sure I've said this every school year I have started - "I'm gonna be really organised!" "I'm gonna get all my homework out the way when I get it" blah blah blah, you get the picture but never actually followed it through.

But seeing as this is my last EVER school year (oh god), I am so determined to keep to these promises. This is my most important year of school and exams and for once, I am motivated to try hard, go the extra mile and all that jazz.

Including, making time for this blog. Starting from this week, I am going to be posting something every Sunday, could be a review of some kind, a recipe, something I want to talk about, something I've written myself but just a blog post with words in it.

This one is gonna be short and sweet so all I am going to say is to my fellow students, work hard and keep to any promises you make to yourself! We can do this together!

Tis all for now.
Laura x

So I guess I'm new here once again

The fact I started this blog and then went on to neglect it has been playing on my mind for almost the year (oops) since I had the idea of a blog.

In all honesty, I'm not sure the reason I never continuted with it. A strange mix of writer's block and the idea that I thought my friends would think I'm weird for writing this. But I've slowly come to the realisation that I should just write about whatever comes to mind, and I am actually going to try once a week. And that my friends should hopefully like me whether or not I write a blog or not.

I do want to actually try and improve my writing, and I actually have a list of ideas for posts this time.

So this is a new era beginning, I would at least like to think.

I know this has consisted of almost nothing but I hope the future holds something more coherant.
Bye for now :)
L x